i went to pick my brother up from camp today
ok i lied
this post really isn't about my day
at all actually
it's going to be a 2 part post i think
the first part starts now
and it's goign to be a rant
about how hurt and disappointed i am
over something so ridiculous
that it almost doesn't even make sense
but regardless i actually think the 2 parts are goign to end up blending
it all started with a status message on facebook
for the white people of 2011 to check emails
and of course i didn't get one
and there are only 10 white people in my grade level
do you know how much it HURTS to get excluded like that?
and to not have anyone care?
it's PAINFULLY obvious that i wasn't 'invited' into your 'exclusive club' to your 'exclusive activity'
and its PAINFULLY obvious that you don't care
but i don't think anyone can fully understand how much it hurts me
someone tried to understand
but she's involved
it's bad enough having one of my best friends be involved in it
but then getting her to sympathize with me is worse
because there's nothing she can do
nothign anyone can do
and i hate how no one cares enough about me
or about my feelings
to try to break down the mask
its funny
i took a facebook quiz the other day
about what kind of mask you wear
my result:
strength
and it's true
i always put on that 'i'm a big girl i can take care of myself' face
when in reality i'm looking for that one person
who pushed back
who tells me i can't do it on my own
and breaks down that mask
who cares enough to try
but no one
ever
has tried
i give them the 'i'm okay' speech
and they accept it
even though i'm pretty sure they KNOW i'm not okay
i think that's why i lose friends so easily
because i'm too self-contained
i think i can do it all myself and i'm always there for everyone else
and that's another thing
i always make other people feel better
i sometimes get a 'thanks' and sometimes people realize that i helped them
but rarely do people acknowledge me being there for them as a friend
and sometimes i wish they would
and if you're reading this it's too late
there have been plenty of instances in the past...
like when i got another friend to talk to a friend who we thought was suicidal
or when i talked through a situation taht involved two of my good friends and was able to (sort of) give them both advice (though i think i sorta lost on that one XD)
but anyway besides the point
i hate being excluded
it happened in elementary school too
but when i got to OA
it stopped magically
and now...here we go again
and even if somehow magically the coordinator invited me to join
idk if i would accept
just the fact that i wasn't invited in the first place
though it makes me laugh...all the places she found for lessons
were super crazy expensive
but i found one that was literally $5 per lesson
the cheapest one she found was $10 ;D
i wanted to cry tonight
literally
that's how worked up i was over this
and i know it's stupid
but i couldn't help it
it sucks
i thought i was friends with them
i guess this proves otherwise
and it sucks
it really does
but the only thing i can do is blog about it
which doesn't make me feel better like it usually does
i wish the coordinator would confront me
we talked about it at school
and she didn't care
whcih sucks
but now she had the audacity to post something on facebook
even though she knows only 10 2011 white people
and all 10 of us have facebook
thanks i appreciate that
way to ruin my night
i wish i could get another opinion
maybe i will tomorrow
if the person i'm thinking of signs on
we'll see though
i doubt it
and i doubt the person would care
they think i'm 'annoying'
and maybe i am with all of my crying
and moping
and emo-ness
but can't i have a little time
without my great wall of china
without my berlin wall
without my brick fence
holding in all of my emotions?
can't i find that one person that will care?
i deserve to find someone that will listen without judging me
and i sincerely hope i can find them soon
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I know it's really hard to think of it this way when you're caught in the middle of situations--but you’re not alone alone. I can’t say that I understand what you‘re going through, but I AM guilty of not trying to understand in the first place. Although we do not know each other too well, I’ve sort of felt the same way you do about school. It’s like this--people want to be around you and they appreciate you when you’re happy and all, but they slap you in the face and dump you by the wayside when you’re hurting. (That was a bad generalization. It’s not everybody. But I guess it’s sort of that way because I feel no one’s willing to listen either.) People are always saying “I’ll be there for you when you need it” but when reality rolls around the corner, that’s how a lot of my friendships have disintegrated. I don’t know. Maybe sort of like your situation, people accept the ‘I’m okay” speech because they’re afraid. I was in Whittier this one morning when I saw this Labrador dog--the residential people said it had been roaming the neighborhood for a few days. It looked at me with the most longing eyes, like it was pleading for help, food, the least bit of compassion. But I don’t know. I just froze there out of fear--I’d been bitten by a stray dog before, what if this one bites me too? So I just leave it. And now, I’m stuck with the guilt of having done nothing about it--sort of like the way I‘ve disregarded my friends. This is sort of the situation that we’re faced with--we always think about it, we always “run to the rescue” when it’s too late. We spend too long weighing our options and meanwhile trying to block the problems from immediate thought. We’re caught up thinking, “I want to help this person that’s drowning in the water, but what if I forget how to swim? They’ll drag me down with them.” I feel selfish in that sense--because I am one of those people who are afraid to talk to my friends because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen. But I guess that’s also just because we’re afraid to approach each other--we’re afraid we’ll do the wrong thing. Maybe sometimes we’re selfishly afraid for ourselves or maybe sometimes we’re afraid of damaging frail relationships by making things worse. Why can’t we just take the chance? I’ve thought and thought about this and I honestly don’t know. But I guess that’s something we all need to work on, to learn to trust and be trusted, so that friendship doesn’t necessarily mean “we have to be happy all the time” but rather an unsaid but mutual agreement that we’ll enjoy the happy moments but also lift some of the burden from one another’s shoulders, simply because we want to and because it hurts us to see our friends hurting.
ReplyDeleteAnd about the exclusion? If these people are willing to exclude an AMAZING (and I mean ABSOLUTELY AMAZING) person like you, then they’re the ones missing out! It’s painful being excluded but do you really need them? That is a whole lot of scum to deliberately exclude someone--and if they choose to treat you like that, you deserve better. Don’t cry--don’t let them make you weak. Take your anger and your frustration and do something! Practice music like crazy. Go running. Spend time with people who LOVE you for the amazing person that you are! Think of it that way, and your enemies can only make you stronger. If they’re willing to just hurt you like that, they’re not worth your frustration, they’re not worth your time, and they’re absolutely not worth the beautiful person that you are on the inside!
I know it seems like it’s gone unnoticed, but I have noticed how you try to help your friends, try to make them laugh when they’re feeling down. But you’re tired and you’re hurt. Sometimes a person has got to let down because they’ve fought--but they’ve also got to be fought for. I’ve always believed, there has got to be a reason why we weren’t put on this earth alone.
honestly i don't think you realize how much i appreciated that
ReplyDeletejust one question...who are you? :)